abominations

Bacon bits, man. What the hell are those things?

It’s like portable fucking mini bacon! SUCH A THING AS IMITATION BACON EXISTS, PEOPLE. America needs to get its priorities straight. I bet you, if you’re an American, you know someone who keeps a stash of these in their car or bag or somewhere convenient. They may not divulge it, it may be their dirty little secret, but they’re fucking out there. Those people exist.

What the fuck is this synthetic bacon shit even made out of? How the fuck do you make FAKE BACON? I bet good money that Purina is the mother company of whoever makes bacon bits. That shit is dog food with a little extra dye. 

a few nights ago, i made a revelation about two things i hate very much; nickelback and creed.

i discovered, upon discourse of the subject, that nickelback and creed have both been schemes, all at the expense of any person with eardrums.

they are the same musicians, except nickelback has one more blonde wig than creed does. that is double the music, and dividing their already dwindling skill between two bands, means half the talent.

they have been pulling a hannah/miley on us for years, people. 

the word slather

the word slaughter + smother.

this word should not be permitted. especially by dads and old men at the barbecue. nobody wants to hear this word roll off your tongue, even if you are the grill master. it’s disgusting.

submitted by quefaisonsnous

hulk hogan

get out of my life.

you appear at every metaphorical corner i turn. can you stop being so publicly pathetic? go crawl in a cave and be pathetic away from my line of vision.

first you were a wrestler, whatever, people actually gave half a fuck, but that was like a century ago.

then you had that tacky little show with your scary looking family, then your little divorce came along and you’ve been roaming around like a stray puppy ever since. 

now i see you on rent a center commercials. rent a center? really, hulk?

not to mention we all know that you’re bald under that little bandana. but, that isn’t to say that i would rather find more of your ratty straw-like hair if i looked underneath. because i wouldn’t.

i wonder if he tans with that bandana on.

also - i went on his official website, because i like to do my research. it truly is a gem.

baby on board signs.

oh well isn’t that cute, you have a fucking child like every other goddamn human on this earth. what does that even mean? 

oh, yeah i was planning on creating a car accident today, but i see that there is a fucking baby riding in your car so i will refrain from ramming my vehicle into the side of yours. 

if anything you’re just distracting people like me, and making us more ravenous.

it’s a jeep thing.

really? is it? can you fucking fill me in on what the difference between a jeep and one of those toyota things is?

i don’t appreciate your condescending spare-tire.

my mother drives a jeep. she doesn’t understand. when i drive my mother’s jeep, i don’t understand.

maybe i don’t understand because maybe my brain can only function on the “it’s a ‘rusted out 1996 ford escort hatchback’ thing” level.

nickelback, i’m pretty sure the world has my back when i say this. we’re angry. very angry.

where are our paychecks?

we’re all being gypped if that’s talent. if that is talent, then was gary coleman tall? was stevie wonder’s vision as clear as lindsay’s piss tests?

we’re tired of hearing your dronely grumbling on the radio (are you still injured from getting your wisdom teeth removed or something? why do you mumble constantly?) with some less than mediocre fucking garage-band-acoustic-guitar-looped-track happening in the background. the radio is already bad enough. 

i want to use your guitar as a toilet for a week and then smack you in the hick face with it.

what do you even sing about? WHAT? does anyone know? anyone? has anyone actually punished their eardrums long enough to make a conclusion on this matter? 

you know what’s pathetic? when i would rather listen to the king of queens theme song on repeat for hours than ONE of your godforsaken songs. shit - i would rather listen to the 3’s company theme song looped than your music. and their shit is wack. 

i’m not even gonna start in on the whole appearance aspect of your beings. i just can’t bring myself to discuss your existence any longer…just…GET A REAL JOB.